This all becomes an issue because 5 years later I am told that one of my children is "still" hurt that I did not want her to renovate my small basement and move in with her 3 kids while her husband was away for work for a year. When the subject was broached 5 years ago, I said no. It will cost too much, and even then would not be suitable in my opinion for people to live in, she heard "You don't want me here." Hmm, so maybe a bit of both is true. At that time I suggested moving to the same town and yes of course they could be at my house, I would be in theirs but my house was (and is) too small at only 1000 sg ft to accommodate that volume of people for a long term living space. This was not a life emergency, this was a life choice. Very different. If you will be homeless, if you need to re-group, yes even though it's cramped we will find a way. The reality is, I don't think a moments thought went in to what the effect on my life would be. There would be no place to watch the TV programs that I like, as even when they visit now, I don't do that because I know it doesn't fit their life style. My ideas and her's don't always match up. I don't think the volume of video games and voices needs to keep escalating as each child tries to out noise the other in the same room as the only TV. It's just complicated. There is only one space to sit and relax in my house. The upstairs is their sleeping accommodations. I live a very different life than they do. I want to have friends over, go out and maybe if I ever found the right person date some one. How do I do that with adult children living in my home with their children? I hear her talk about her mother in law and her "dating" habits with disapproval. It's not Ozzie and Harriett at my house, it's just Harriett and I still wanna find my Ozzie. It's like I am supposed to say sure come in, turn my life upside down, and then leave and go back to yours. I just don't think that is appropriate. Oh and by the way, I am supposed to stay out of their personal business? Umm really? If you live in this small space how am I supposed to do that? Don't put your business in my face, and I will stay out of it. Same goes for them, I don't want my kids in my personal business, but I don't put it in their face.
This same child also told me how upset she was that I didn't come to Japan immediately when my first grandchild was born, almost 10 years ago. Hmm, I had a 14 year old daughter living at home at the time. I was not rolling in money, and a job where I could not take off more than 5 days...so exactly how was I supposed to pull that off? Fly half way around the world to spend maybe 3 days? Sigh...when I finally was able to go 10 months later, apparently I only went to see the Cherry Blossoms...seriously? What the heck...
My door is always open for visits from all my kids: always has been, always will be. And my home is open in life emergencies, yes that has happened too. But there is an expectation of time for normalcy to live my life, and honestly, I have that right. Judge not, lest ye be judged child. One day you will be the parent of adult children.
My suggestion to any parent or child...find the balance...And for goodness sake respect a parents right to live their life. Before you get all out of whack because they don't see things the way you do, try looking through their eyes. Looking at your parents life and UNDERSTANDING what they do every day. I work 9-11 hours a day Mon - Friday (sometimes on the weekend ,too) I want to relax when I get home. I want space to be me. I am only 54, I have a lot of living left to do, and it will be on my terms.